Let’s Get Emotional: The Deets on Demisexuality

Demisexuality is when you’re only sexually attracted to people you have a strong emotional bond with. But TBH, this definition is a bit bare bones.

Here’s a deep dive into what it really means to be demisexual.

Think you’re demisexual? How do you define this emotional bond?

According to the Demisexuality Resource Center, the type or level of emotional bond demisexual folks need to be sexually attracted to someone varies.

An emotional bond doesn’t always mean you’re straight up *in love* with someone. Sometimes it can be a close friend or a person you know on a deep level.

Did we really need a demisexual label?

Demisexuality is a valid sexual orientation. That means it def deserves a label 💯. Owning the label can make peeps feel more supported, understood, and accepted.

Also, you might be thinking, “Don’t lots of people wait to form a connection before they have sex?”

While this is true, it might have nothing to do with demisexuality or any other sexual orientation. Some peeps prefer to abstain for other reasons like marriage.

How is demisexuality different than being demiromantic?

Demiromantic peeps only have romantic feelings for folks they share a strong connection with. Sexual attraction doesn’t have to be part of these feelings (but it might be).

Does an emotional bond always lead to sexual attraction?

Nope! You can share a strong bond with lots of different folks for lots of different reasons. But that doesn’t mean you want to sleep with everyone.

There’s also a chance you aren’t into sex at all. According to a 2014 AVEN Community Census of Demisexuals and Asexuals, two-thirds of demisexual peeps said they were uninterested or repulsed by sex.

What is being a demisexual like IRL?

Like any sexual orientation, demisexuality is unique to each person. But there are some common characteristics.

You might be demisexual if you:

are only sexually attracted to people you have strong feelings for
aren’t sexually attracted to strangers or new acquaintances (even if they’re super hot)
prefer to have a strong foundation with a partner before getting physically intimate

Can you be demisexual and another sexual orientation?

Most sexual orientation labels (like straight, bisexual, or gay) only refer to what gender(s) a person prefers romantically or sexually. Demisexuality is a bit different.

Demisexuality refers to the feels. It doesn’t relate to the gender of the people you’re attracted to.

That means you can be demisexual and another orientation. It’s all about what feels right to you.

Demisexual vs. pansexual — what’s the diff?

Pansexuality is when you have romantic, sexual, or emotional feelings for others regardless of their gender identity or sex.

You can be both pansexual and demisexual. You still won’t be sexually attracted to someone until you form a strong bond, but their gender won’t matter.

Am I asexual or demisexual?

Asexual folks tend to have little to no interest in sexual activity. Some use asexuality as a label — others prefer to say they don’t have a sexual orientation at all.

Here are some questions that can help you figure out if you’re asexual:

Are you uninterested in sex?
Is the thought of sex repelling?
Is sex important to a romantic relationship?
Have you ever been sexually attracted to someone?

Can my sexuality change over time?

Sexuality is fluid fam. You can be asexual but identify as demisexual (or any other orientation). In fact, according to the 2015 Asexual Census, over 80 percent of peeps identified as another orientation before identifying as asexual.

Feelings of sexual attraction can change over time. But there’s also a chance you’ll never be into sex. And that’s OK too!

Demisexual vs. graysexual — what’s the diff?

Demisexual folks can feel sexual attraction on the reg. This is different from people who are graysexual, who don’t feel sexual attraction as often or at all.

Graysexuality is often defined as the spectrum between allosexuality (any type of sexual attraction) and asexuality (no sexual attraction).

Graysexual folks may have the following feelings about sex:

Sex-repulsed. Dislike the idea of sex.
Sex-neutral. Aren’t repulsed by sex, but don’t seek sex either.
Sex-positive. Identify as asexual but will have sex for pleasure.

Keep in mind, it’s possible to fluctuate between periods of demisexuality and asexual or demisexuality and graysexuality.

Are there other forms of attraction?

It’s totally possible for demisexual folks to experience all different types of attraction. This can include:

Platonic attraction. When you want to be friends with someone.
Emotional attraction. When you feel an emotional bond with someone.
Romantic attraction. When you desire a romantic connection with someone.
Physical attraction. When you’re attracted to someone based on their appearance or vibe.

How does demisexual dating work?

It’s impossible to lump all demisexual peeps together. Everyone experiences attraction and romance on their own terms.

That said, demisexual people might:

not want to have sex with their partner
have little or no interest in romantic relationships
wait until they feel extremely close to their partner before having sex
have sex with their partner without being sexually attracted to them
be very sexually attracted to their partner and love having sex

If you feel pressured to have sex

It’s never OK for a partner to pressure you into a sexual situation you’re not comfortable with.

The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) has some amazing resources on their website. You can also contact their support team by texting “loveis” to 22522 or call them at 1-800-656-4673.

And remember… you’re not alone ❤️.

What if I don’t want a relationship?

Reminder: Having an emotional bond with someone doesn’t always lead to sexual attraction or romance. It’s also possible to feel sexually attracted to someone you care about and still not want to be in a relationship with them.

Deciding to couple up can be a big decision for everyone, including demisexual folks. So if a dating app isn’t your thing, that’s totally fine!

Let’s talk about (demi) sex baby

Demisexuality is about who you’re attracted to, not if you have the ability to enjoy sex.

You can have consensual sex with someone you’re not sexually attracted to. You can also be sexually attracted to someone without having sex. Do what feels right.

P.S. Sex isn’t just about pleasure. You can also have sex to:

get pregnant
explore your desires
deepen an emotional bond
share an experience with someone

Where does masturbation “come” in with demisexuality?

Some demisexual peeps like to masturbate solo or with a partner. This can also include demisexual folks who identify as asexual or graysexual.

Again, everyone is different. You do you 😉.

How do I know what sexual orientation I am?

There’s no online test that can 10/10 tell you that you’re demisexual. You know yourself best. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Who have I been sexually attracted to in the past?
Is sexual attraction very important to me when I date someone?
Am I sexually attracted to people I don’t know on a deep emotional level?
When did I become sexually attracted to a current or former romantic partner?

Where can you learn more about being demisexual?

There are lots of ways to connect to other demisexual folks, both in-person or online (psst Reddit even has a community).

You can also check out:

Demisexuality Resource Center for demi-dating advice and coming out tips.
Asexual Visibility and Education Network for folks who identify as asexual or graysexual.

tl;dr

Demisexual folks are only sexually attracted to people they have a strong emotional bond with.

Just remember that sexuality isn’t one-size-fits-all. It’s possible to be demisexual and identify as another sexual orientation as well.

It might take a while to fully understand your sexuality and that’s OK! If you ever feel confused or alone about your sexuality, you can reach out to a therapist. Or check out online demisexual resources for additional support.